I’m writing this blog anonymously because I am more comfortable that way. I am not ashamed of having people know that I suffer from Complex- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) or the experiences that I lived through, but just feel safer this way. I hope that my friends, family and any readers will respect this and keep my anonymity.
The locations and the identity of my companions will also remain anonymous. I previously wrote about my experiences in the war, and received death threats from an internet stalker who described how he would brutally mutilate and kill me for my words. Part of my anxiety and stress in the present come from writing about human rights abuses (and what I saw), which used to be the biggest and most fulfilling part of my day. It took me a long time to write in public about anything remotely political again and even then with great trepidation and only after many editions. For this reason, details that could reveal location will be fictionalized or changed. Names and places have been shortened to anonymous initials. Sometimes it is easier for me to write in metaphor. Sometimes, words are taken directly from my daily journals at the time. Sometimes I am recalling from pure feeling of a memory and how it makes me feel in the present. Sometimes it will be the recollection of or testimony of others I have collected along the way. Sometimes it will be pure fiction or poetry. Only me and those who have lived these experiences beside me will know for sure. In that way, I keep my memories safe.
I have lived through some extremely violent things, not all of them in war-zones, and these ultimately changed the way I see the world.
I suffer from persistent flashbacks, insomnia, depression and hyper arousal from my condition, along with several other emotional and physical ailments related to this illness. Sometimes this makes life extremely difficult.
This blog documents my journey in dealing with the symptoms of my illness and is an attempt at healing my mind of the trauma I experienced by expelling all the pain on paper so that I can move on afterwards in peace and not have to think about it again.
Writing helps me deal with what’s going on, and this blog let’s me share my feelings with those I love without having the dreaded conversations face to face, which is often more than I can bear.