Sometimes I feel like what’s the point?

Today should have been a good day.

I did everything on my checklist. I was social. I did fun things.

Yet.

I feel empty.

I feel as if I can already feel the roughness of the rope hanging around my neck,

that the end is near.

I couldn’t stop crying tonight. In a public place.

For no particular reason.

I was in a decent mood. Feeling pretty happy, or as happy as I get, and then my brain was like, nope.

You are not getting through this night that easily. You will not just skate through emotionless tonight.

I thankful for the things I have, and I have a lot in comparison with some. I have a full belly, a place to sleep, friends who love me, and a lot of luxuries that most take for granted.

But it doesn’t matter. My brain has a mission, and it’s to make sure I cannot have fun when I want to. That my dissociation will take over at the worst possible times. That I will feel empty, worthless, and incomplete. Like I will never be good enough for them.

There’s this one fucker there tonight that I think is seriously the first person on this planet that I truly hate. I cannot fucking stand the look of his face. He makes me feel small and weak and defenseless. He knows just how to pluck my barbs to get me angry, but yet, everyone else fucking loves him. He’s the greatest. Isn’t he so talented?

Like fuck. He’s the biggest douche nossle I’ve ever met. How can you all think he’s all that?

I don’t know exactly what fueled the hatred, but it grows ever stronger with each encounter. He makes me physically shake.

I don’t get it. He pretends to be nice, but is actually a judgmental prick who always has to over-dramatize every God damn thing like it’s the end of the world. Cry me a river you pathetic fuck. Yes, your world is soo fucking hard. Tell me about your two parents who are still married and live in a nice house and were good to you growing up. Who still float you cash all the time. Tell me about the good job you have and the education you got. Your life is soo fucking hard. Yet, I swear to God, he’s like everyone is out to get him. He’s this poor oppressed soul who’s had the most difficult life ever. Take a walk in my shoes for two fucking seconds. I bet you couldn’t stand it. And I am by no means, worse off. My life is pretty fucking privileged.

Today I just want to be an ostrich and bury my head in the sand. Forget the world around me even exists and like a 3 year old, play peek-a-boo with reality.

I’m done.

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